A quick note: As I re-read this entry more than two years later it sounds wildly insensitive and even racist. I'm not sure why I never imagined this could be perceived as extremely insulting. It was never intended as such.

Matt may be off seeing lions, leopards and wildebeest on his Masai Mari safari... but I've been checking out the wildlife right here on the streets of Nairobi. It's everywhere and, unlike the Serengeti, the migration never stops. So please get out your viewing glasses and join us as we hunt for the wildest of Nairobi's bipedal population.

Our first sighting has his feet in both worlds... the remote bush and the wilds of the streets. You've just spotted the Tout. These guys wander the streets approaching every fresh-faced newcomer they see pushing safari tours on them. They have varying degrees of official ties to the companies they purport to represent. Some are really employees. Others snatched some brochures. All are in it for a commission and none will take no for an answer.

"Do you need me to arrange a taxi to the airport?"
You may think you could tell the tout you've already been on a safari and will be leaving soon. Not gonna work. Then they'll start quizzing you on which company you went with, where you went, who the guide was, which camp you stayed at, when your flight leaves and do you need me to arrange a taxi to the airport. I'm not sure what they hope to prove by catching you in a lie, but it's common practice.

If sighted, the appropriate response in the presence of a tout is to never make first eye contact, never slow down and acknowledge their presence only with a terse, cold "no thanks."

Continuing our tour, we approach the habitat of the Refugee. Most are probably refugees in name only. It's just the scam they use. They are distinguishable from touts by being more scrappily dressed and by their feeble attempts at just casually, accidentally approaching you on the street.

"I've told them I'm not very interested in talking."
I must admit I've never gotten all the way to the refugee pitch. By the time they start saying "I just want to be talking with you." I've told them I'm not very interested in talking. Twice this has brought accusations of my being anti-black and a white supremacist... although it was from the same guy both times who didn't remember he'd tried me the day before.

But given time to carry out their natural behavior, the refugee will continue getting to know you, perhaps over refreshments you pay for, and gradually get to their story. They may be a refugee needing money. Maybe they're going to school in your country and need money for tuition. At the end of the day they need your money. Sometimes they even have elaborate stories of how you'll be paid back.

"Refugees have the potential to become violent."
Refugees must, under no circumstances, be agitated. Much more so than touts, refugees have the potential to become violent. A kind "I'm not interested in talking right now," followed by completely ignoring them as they continue following and talking at you is about the best I've come up with.

Closely related to the refugee, though far sadder, is the street kid. It is difficult to tell their age, as they're probably malnourished and much older than their looks belie. They'll run up to you, grab various body parts and follow you while saying "give money... give money." Fortunately the street kid has a limited attention span and, after being ignored for a few seconds, will take off running in another direction.

"One just tried to convert the girl sitting next to me."
Bizarrely interspersed into this population, like poodles in the Serengeti, are the Mormon missionaries. I'm not sure if they're responsible for the profusion of Christianity here, but they're definitely here in large numbers. There are three white shirts/black ties in the internet cafe right now. One seriously just tried to convert the girl sitting right next to me. It seems she'd already heard the good news.

Not quite wildlife, but impossible to ignore in a serious discussion of Nairobi fauna, is the cell phone. If you think everyone has a cell phone in the rich Western world, just come to the developing world. I have no idea how they afford them or exactly what they need them for... but cell phones are everywhere. Every block of downtown Nairobi has at least two cell phone shops. Kiosks selling prepaid recharge cards are never more than a hundred yards apart. I don't know what's being discussed, but they're talking like there's gonna be a recall on tongues.

"These well-meaning creatures are often mistaken for touts."
Now everyone must be very quiet as we attempt to spot our last big sight. It's the rare, elusive nice smart guy. Sadly these mild mannered, well meaning creatures are frequently mistaken for touts or refugees. Their helpful advice or kind welcome met with a cold, cautious response. In the rare instances where nice smart guys are properly identified and engaged, they prove to be remarkably informed on world events and interested in the observer's country of origin. They may tell of a past trip to your home country, or plans to study there in the future. While these encounters are rewarding and enjoyable, every initial precaution must be taken to ensure they have been properly identified.

As our urban safari draws to a close, I should tell you of a sighting yesterday of what may be a one-of-a-kind organism. I can call her only Wet Woman.

Matt and I were walking to a restaurant for dinner as she approached... wild-eyed, soaked and carrying a large bottle of water. She made a quick lunge toward us with her bottle. We thought she meant to drench us, but before she could carry out whatever she was up to the restaurant's armed guard body-blocked her and pushed her out of our way.

"She reached out at me and got a tough grip on my right arm."
After dinner we were walking back toward our hotel, just having eluded a prowling refugee, when she approached again. She was still soaking wet, only this time without her water bottle. She reached out at me and got a tough grip on my right arm. A little startled but not exactly surprised, I flung my arm out of her grasp and kept briskly walking. She did not pursue.

So that brings our urban safari to a close. I'd love to provide photos of our quarry, but as digital cameras are a favorite food of many of the inhabitants of Nairobi, it's inadvisable to walk around with one around your neck.